If you click on the links, it should download. You can try clicking on the download and see if it will play. Otherwise, you can try on the office computer. It should work there.
Here are Media Links to Charity’s Grandfather’s Testimony:
Or Links might work better:
Showing respect to your staff, volunteers, and congregation is one the easiest ways of leading effectively. For a shepherd, much of the time, it will come naturally as loving others includes showing respect.
As Christians, we are required to treat others with respect due to others’ standing as God’s creation, and our own pursuit of true humility. But there are several good reasons to treat others with respect.
One reason is practical. While all Christians should respect others inherently as God’s creatures, this isn’t always the case. The way of the world dictates that you only give respect to those who treat you with respect. The obvious problems with this view, notwithstanding, as a leader of people, the burden of showing respect first ought to fall on us.
It also opens the door for all sorts of teaching and training. If others are treated with respect, they will be receptive to ideas and instruction.
Unfortunately, however, while respecting others has practical benefits and should naturally flow from feelings of affection, actually demonstrating respect is more difficult. No matter our personal weaknesses, there will be some who perceive them as signs of disrespect, so I’d like to offer 4 simple ways of demonstrating respect for those around you:
If you’ve ever been sitting around waiting for someone to show up for an appointment, you know how frustrating it can be to wonder when (or if) someone will show. Yet many pastors keep busy schedules and are often running behind by the middle of the morning.
When we make people wait, we are effectively telling them that we don’t value their time or whatever other plans they have for the day. When we show up unprepared, we’re sending out a similar message. (It also undercuts your ability to lead, but that’s another story).
I once had a meeting with a pastor (I was a volunteer when this happened). I showed up, waited 10 minutes until he showed up. Then 5 minutes into the meeting, he realized that he had misplaced his pen. I offered him mine, but he wanted his pen. So he left our meeting and spent 20 minutes looking around for his pen. You can imagine how valued I felt when he finally came back to meet with me.
When you are meeting with someone, they’re taking out of the schedule to meet with you. Is it really that hard to show up 5 minutes early and have a few notes written down to discuss?
Our world has never been filled with so many distractions. It’s not just people stopping in, messaging on facebook, or sending emails. Our phones will also beep for a myriad of reasons. And if you’re like me, it’s awfully tempting to see what all those beeps mean.
Don’t!
There is nothing that will wreck the flow of a conversation (and make people feel unimportant) like putting fantasy-football alerts ahead of them. On the other hand, nothing will make them feel more valued than saying, “Whatever it is can wait – I’m talking to you right now.”
But technological distractions are just one of the many ways we can be inattentive listeners. Changing topics every time they start talking, getting a glazed over look in your eye, or interrupting them to chase down someone who walked by your office door…all of these convey that you have better stuff to do with your time then listen to their ideas, opinions, or even criticism.
I like to keep an open notepad and pen on my desk. When someone shares a point that requires more thought or reflection, I ask them to hold on so I can take notes on our conversation. I don’t do it often, but people feel very valued when you’re taking notes on what they say.
“I’ll get back to you with an answer.”
“I have the perfect book to loan you.”
“Let’s brainstorm, and discuss it again next Sunday.”
“I’ll pray for you.”
These phrases come out of my mouth with almost no effort. Following up on them? Not so easy. But if you’ve been on the receiving end of someone’s unfulfilled promises, you know how frustrating it can be to wait and be disappointed. If you bring it up again, you feel like a nag or a pest. Worse, if you bring it up and they don’t know what you’re talking about – it feels like they’ll say anything to get rid of you.
Let your ‘yes’ be yes, and if you make a promise, keep it. So many people forget to do the small things that they promise, that when you actually do it, it’s noticed. People feel respected, and people are appreciative.
I used to dread our church board meetings when I was a youth pastor. My attendance wasn’t required, in fact, I wasn’t permitted to attend. But I knew that the day after the meeting, I’d be getting an email listing a half-dozen new assignments. And whether it was new events they wanted me to run, or new curriculum they wanted me to teach, or new programs they wanted me to start, it always meant a lot of work. And inevitably, some of their new ideas were bad ideas.
Not that they would know why they were bad ideas. They weren’t involved in the day-to-day ministry. They might not have known that I’ve tried something similar, or have thought through the logistics, or even considered the time involved. They just knew that it sounded like a good idea, so why not?
Now that I’m a senior pastor, I fight against doing the same to others. When something needs to change, or some new duty needs to be added, I try to go to the people who will be directly affected. The closer they are to the ground, the better their insights will be. And like attentive listening, it shows that you value their opinion, especially if you are willing to let their insights shape yours.
Treating people with respect is primarily about showing them that you value them. If you don’t value others, you have bigger issues to worry about, but if you do value them, then it’s important to convey that value by treating them with love and respect.
As pastors, we tend to face a lot of criticism. Pastoring is the ultimate in “public service” jobs. Each week, we deal with a great number of people. Our job is to serve them, lead them, encourage them, and disciple them. But as the consumer mentality infects the church, more and more people forget about most of these. In their minds, our job is simply to serve. What’s worse, since they pay our salary (or at least contribute), that makes them the customer – and the customer is always right, right?
The truth is, most pastors I know don’t mind serving. Criticism, when constructive, can be helpful. When it’s just designed to tear down, it’s not as fun. Yet the loving pastor is often able to overlook criticism. Yes, it may hurt, but our love for our people conquers those wounds. But some criticism hurts more than others.
If someone criticizes the burnt out lightbulb in the ceiling, that’s an easy fix, and one we don’t take to heart. If someone criticizes our preaching style, that hits a little closer to home, but if you’re like me, you’re always looking to improve, so it’s not quite so bad. But the one that really hurts is when someone critiques our heart.
“All you care about is money. I suppose you’re only preaching on money because you want a nice raise this year.”
“You weren’t in the office Monday when I stopped by! Why did we have to choose such a lazy pastor?”
“I heard you visited so-and-so last week. You haven’t visited me in 3 months. It’s not nice to be so obvious in your bias and favoritism.”
The difference in these comments is what’s being attacked. When we are attacked for our actions (or lack thereof), the critique is aimed at what we do. When our heart is being attacked, the critique is focused on who we are. There’s a world of difference in the hurt inflicted.
But then I remember the words of David’s brothers in the Valley of Elah. The Philistine giant Goliath was challenging the men of Israel, young David was confused. Why would the army of Israel allow a gentile to profane God’s people like this? As he inquired about the situation, here are the words he is met with:
“Why have you come down? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your presumption and the evil of your heart, for you have come down to see the battle.” (1 Sam. 17:28 ESV)
Of course, a few minutes later, David was defending the honor of God and of Israel – which no other soldier would do.
The problem was never David’s heart (at least in this episode). The problem was that it’s easier for people to judge others than yourself, and it’s easiest to attack someone’s heart – because that is the hardest place to defend.
Which begs the question – what motivation is there for the person judging your heart? For David’s brother, Eliab, it was to distract from the fact that he was too cowardly to face Goliath. Other times, they are distracting their own guilt about jealousy, lukewarm-ness, or whatever.
So don’t take it to heart when people attack your heart. Most of the time, when people want you to grow, they focus on your actions. When people want to hurt, they focus on the heart. And if you are attacked for a mis-characterization of your heart, remember that David was attacked for the same reason, right before he slayed Goliath.
If you’re anything like me, you have a handful of verses that you use for visitation. They’re not always perfectly suited, and they can get repetitive, but at least you know where to find them in a pinch.
Our new resource page provides a helpful reference for timely visitation passages. Enjoy!
Are we missing one of your tried and true passages? Mention it in the comments and we’ll add it to the list.
It’s such a common phrase – to fear God. We know that it’s true. The Bible is clear. If we fear God, then wisdom, knowledge, and blessings will follow. And yet it seems counter-intuitive.
As 21st century Christians, we are taught to love God, not fear Him. He is our Abba, our Father, full of mercy. The God of the Old Testament is a strange and foreign God: striking down Uzzah for touching the Ark of the Covenant, destroying the world save for an ark full of animals, ordering his people to utterly destroy the Canaanites in Herem warfare. We wrestle with these stories, and we wrestle with the idea of fearing our God, no matter what Scripture teaches.
Many claim that ‘fearing God’ should be understood only as revering Him. Others say that only the guilty need to fear God, and while we’re all guilty (technically), if we’ve been imputed with righteousness, we need not worry. Still, others believe that because “true love casts out fear”, then fearing God has been replaced by loving God. I believe all of these explanations are lacking, not because they are void of truth, but because they oversimplify this important teaching of Scripture.
It’s true that fearing God can be synonymous with revering God. Both Psalm 33:8 and Psalm 102:15 draw a parallel between fear and reverence, and it makes perfect sense. To fear God, you must acknowledge that He is God. When you acknowledge who God is, you must also acknowledge that God is bigger and more powerful than any human could ever dream of being. We are mere creatures in a great big world, whereas God created that great big world with the sound of his voice. We are subject to the whims of kings and the quirks of nature. God establishes those kings and reigns supreme over the winds and the storms. If we fear the chaos of the world because it is beyond our control, how much more must we fear the God who rules over the chaos. And the better we understand the infinity of God’s power, and the better we understand the magnitude of God’s glory, the more awestruck we are forced to become. So yes, fearing God includes reverence. But the ‘fear of the Lord’ is more than just respect. Fearing God changes our view of God, but it does more than that.
And the better we understand the infinity of God’s power, and the better we understand the magnitude of God’s glory, the more awestruck we are forced to become. So yes, fearing God includes reverence. But the ‘fear of the Lord’ is more than just respect. Fearing God changes our view of God, but it does more than that.
Fearing God also changes our actions. It has to – that’s the nature of fear. Consider the man who suffers a heart attack, and soon after takes up healthy eating and exercise. The fear of death alters his living. Or consider the woman who fears public speaking, and so refuses to volunteer for any position that might someday involve getting up in front of a crowd. Or consider John Madden, the esteemed football analyst. For 20 years, he famously traveled from city to city on a deluxe state-of-the-art bus, because he was deathly afraid of flying in planes. Whatever we fear will change our behavior.
So if we fear God, that too, will alter how we prioritize our actions. Instead of living to avoid death, or public speaking, or airplanes, we will live to avoid God’s wrath (or at least, causing God grief). So it’s no surprise that the Bible tells us that the fear of the Lord will alter how we live.
Perhaps the most unexpected result of fearing God is that it is equated with hope and trust. Psalm 147:11 tells us that Fear of the Lord is the same as hoping in His love. Psalm 40:3 tells us that fearing God leads to putting our trust in Him. Neither of these are natural results of fear.
But just because the bridge between these ideas isn’t obvious, doesn’t mean that no bridge exists. It’s easy to see how fearing God equates with revering Him. It’s also easy to see how fearing God leads to changed practices. And so long as we remember these two ideas first, the connection grows obvious.
When people are in sin, God’s power is dangerous. He is a divine warrior, raising his sword against us. And fearing God is a very natural reaction. But if instead of being opposed to God, we join God’s side, then all the qualities that inspired fear, now inspire hope and trust.
God is powerful. And his power ought to terrify us when we oppose him. In our sinfulness, he is an enemy worth revering. But if we pursue righteousness as a result of that fear. Even more, if we pursue righteousness as a result of his love, then we have a new foe. Instead of facing off against God, we face off against the powers of this world, the powers of evil. And if we facing off against the powers of evil, which we know are mightier than ourselves, we need to trust in our ally. Our ally in this fight is God. So as we fear God, it leads to trusting in him – because he is trustworthy, and because we have no other options.
If we fear God, we must also hope in his love. We know that we cannot please God by our behavior. Even if we fear God truly, we won’t be entirely righteous. As fallen humans, this is an impossibility. But we’re also told that God loves us. This love gives us a 2nd option. We can oppose God and quake in our fear, or we can hope that God’s love is sufficient to bring about this change of sides. We must hope in his love, because without it, we continue in opposition to him – a truly dreadful position.
The fear of the Lord is indeed the beginning of wisdom and knowledge. When we fear God, we recognize how small and fragile our lives really are. When we fear God, we realize that in our sin we stand directly opposed to his righteousness. This brings about a change in our behavior, but more importantly, it brings about a desire to change our position. That positional change is only possible through his love, namely, through his love demonstrated in the person and ministry of Jesus Christ. We must hope that his love is sufficient to redeem us. Then, having switched sides, our fear changes to trust: trust that his power will protect us against every new enemy. The good news is, as surely as his power would have led to our destruction, now his power leads to our protection. Truly, the fear of the Lord is a vital and beautiful part of the Christian heart.
“Christ was God in human flesh, and He proved it by rising from the dead.”
“God proved His love on the Cross. When Christ hung, and bled, and died, it was God saying to the world, ‘I love you.’ “
“When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost; when character is lost, all is lost.”
“The one badge of Christian discipleship is not orthodoxy but love.”
“I used to read five psalms every day – that teaches me how to get along with God. Then I read a chapter of Proverbs every day and that teaches me how to get along with my fellow man.”
“You’re born. You suffer. You die. Fortunately, there’s a loophole.”
“I have discovered that just because we grow weaker physically as we age, it doesn’t mean that we must grow weaker spiritually.”
“A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip.”
“Those outside the church expect followers of Christ to live differently, yet today many in church are chasing after the world – not to win them, but to be like them.”
“Spend more time in study and prayer. That’s the secret of successful evangelism.”
“If we had more hell in the pulpit, we would have less hell in the pew.”
“I have never changed my message. I preach the Bible, and I preach it with authority.”
“The highest form of worship is the worship of unselfish Christian service. The greatest form of praise is the sound of consecrated feet seeking out the lost and helpless.”
“Our society strives to avoid any possibility of offending anyone – except God.”
“Racism and injustice and violence sweep our world, bringing a tragic harvest of heartache and death.”
“If God doesn’t punish America, He’ll have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.”
“Evangelicals can’t be closely identified with any particular party or person. We have to stand in the middle, to preach to all the people, right and left.”
“I am not going to Heaven because I have preached to great crowds or read the Bible many times. I’m going to Heaven just like the thief on the cross who said in that last moment: ‘Lord, remember me.'”
“God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he’ll be there.”
“I haven’t written my own epitaph, and I’m not sure I should. Whatever it is, I hope it will be simple, and that it will point people not to me, but to the One I served.”
“I’ve read the last page of the Bible. It’s all going to turn out all right.”
No good question has a universal “yes” or “no” answer. And there’s no such thing as a “one size fits all” solution. Whether or not pastors should also be bloggers is no exception. But underscoring the question in the title is this question: How are you communicating? How are you communicating with visitors, with your congregation, and with your volunteers?
Why does this matter? Gilbert Amelio, the President and CEO of National Semiconductor writes, “Developing excellent communication skills is absolutely essential to effective leadership…If a leader can’t get a message across clearly and motivate others to act on it, then having a message doesn’t even matter.” As pastors, we have a message, and we spend a lot of time crafting our communication of that message. But if we limit our communication to 30 minutes each Sunday, we’ll never be able to say everything we need to say.
There are lots of good reasons to have a blog. It represents extra teaching opportunities. It’s a forum for the congregation to see other sides of our personality. It requires and aids us in refining our writing. We can exercise preemptive pastoral care and counseling. We can recommend books and websites that will help our people grow.
But the number one reason is that it creates multiple opportunities to communicate each week. We can share additional insights on the sermon or the text. We can ask thought questions and offer midweek devotionals. We can remind the church of upcoming events and announce important developments within the church family.
My first church was a small church in a small town. It was easy to get news to travel – especially when you didn’t want it to. That was great for big church announcements, but if we wanted to start a new program, or if we needed to change the time of a meeting, the only way to do it was to make lots and lots of phone calls. I never built the infrastructure for communication.
So let me ask you again – How are you communicating?
If you don’t have an answer, or if you don’t have a good answer, then you have a problem. A pastor’s blog might just be the best solution. Or is it?
There are three main ways that an effective pastor communicates with his congregation, his community, and the world. These three ways are (1) a pastor’s blog, (2) a church blog, and (3) a weekly email. Each has its own set of advantages.
Pastor’s Blogs are the most popular approach to communication. They are typically hosted separately from the church’s website, and they have many advantages:
But there are also some disadvantages:
Conclusion: A pastor’s blog is best when you want to communicate primarily with the general public, and secondarily with your church people.
A Church Blog is another useful option. It may be a pastor’s blog hosted on the website, or it may be written by the pastor and other staff/volunteers. The advantage of a church blog are:
But a church blog has its disadvantages too:
Conclusion: A church blog is best when you want to communicate with church visitors primarily and church members secondarily.
Weekly Emails are the third method of communication. This can be your standard email message, or a more thorough “Email Newsletter”, but whichever format you use, email offers some distinct advantages:
Which is not to say there aren’t disadvantages, too:
Conclusion: Email is best when your target audience is your congregation and you’re not concerned with communicating outside your circle.
Depending on your goals, any of these could be the best medium. I (personally) prefer the flexibility of email and the ability to target my people directly.
It’s easy to be in awe of powerful speakers, but many of us fall short of our preaching heroes. That’s okay. As preachers, we’re commanded to preach the Word to the best of our ability. The problems only appear when we fail to do that.
Still, some bad habits inevitably creep in. Here are 9 DONT’S to keep in mind if you don’t want to preach lousy sermons.
1. DON’T come to the pulpit unprepared – There are times when we have a particularly stressful week. Two funerals and a wedding fall all together, and you’re left scrambling for Sunday. (For these occasions, I like to keep a handful of standalone sermons ready to go). These weeks are rare, but unavoidable when they do come. What is avoidable is those merely “busy” weeks when we still seem to come up short.
For those privileged enough to present the Word of God each Sunday, it is one of the highest duties God can give. We shouldn’t betray that duty by cutting corners. Don’t be lazy when it comes to developing your outline. Don’t eisegete your text to fit your pet peeves. Don’t use the same 5 references week after week. Don’t preach the book you’re reading. Use resources, but do your own work. Ministering the word is too important to fall through the cracks.
2. DON’T show off your extensive knowledge – The best compliment I ever received sounded like an insult, “I love that your preaching is so simple. You never say anything complicated!”
Many pastors feel the need to prove themselves, so they make a big deal of their education and knowledge. They include all sorts of tidbits about the background that they find interesting, all the while forgetting that what interests them may not necessarily carry the same captivation for their congregation.
The moment we forget our audience is the moment that we miss the mark in our preaching. Certainly, not every audience is the same. An urban church in the shadow of an ivy league school might require more book knowledge than a rural church where most have only a high school education. We should tailor our teaching to the average level of our audience.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t prepare. A pastor should know the meaning of the greek and the chiastic structure of a passage, but that doesn’t mean every detail needs to be articulated in every sermon. It doesn’t. Too many details distract from the main points of the sermon, and it reinforces the notion that Bible Study is better left to the professionals. Keep your sermons simple.
3. DON’T start by telling them why they shouldn’t listen – You’ve heard it before: “This was a really difficult passage”, “I had a cold this week, so this is the best I could do”, “I had a hard time figuring out what to talk about this week”, etc.
Yes, we will have times where we didn’t feel we adequately prepared. Yes, we will have times that we’re not sure we understood every nuance of the passage (or any nuance in a passage!). And yes, we have those weeks where we don’t feel good, so we’re not confident. But we shouldn’t tell the congregation our struggles.
When we open by apologizing, we are subconsciously telling our audience that they shouldn’t listen, that it’s not a good sermon, or that they won’t miss much if they don’t pay attention. And if we tell the audience that we don’t think it’s a good sermon, many people will mentally check out.
Don’t give them that excuse. I’m not advocating that we should be boastful or deceptive. But just because we aren’t confident in our human abilities doesn’t mean that it’s not the exact message God wanted us to preach.
4. DON’T preach all doctrine, no practice – This is an easy trap to fall into, especially if you preach exegetically. Many passages are full of rich wonderful doctrine (and its practical applications will come along in another 4 weeks). I suggest not waiting. A month down the road, many won’t remember the nuances of this week’s message, and this week, your people need something to hold onto.
Don’t assume that just because you’ve presented the doctrine well, the application will come naturally. It might for some, but most would benefit by having their pastor tell them where to focus their efforts. If writing applications doesn’t come easy, I suggest Daniel Doriani’s “Putting the Truth to Work”.
5. DON’T preach too long – Sure, we all know not to do this, and yet it’s so easy to do. You think of another illustration, or you want to repeat a point. Perhaps you started your conclusion before realizing that you forgot to say one of your favorite lines, so you double back. Bad idea!
When talking about sermon length, my typical response is, “I think pastors should take as much time as they absolutely need to preach the text well, and not a minute longer”. Sermons get better with editing, and we can often say something in 1 paragraph that’s 5 times as powerful as 5 paragraphs. Choose your words wisely, state your points succinctly, and take all the time you absolutely need – and not a minute more!
6. DON’T hit that pet peeve or hobby horse…again – It’s entirely appropriate that sermons reflect the pastor’s heart, so it’s understandable that certain topics will rise to the top more often than others. None of that is bad, but it can become bad if we don’t keep it in check.
Every pastor has certain topics that they care about greatly. Whether it’s loving your neighbor, living righteously, living radically, caring for the poor, the call the evangelize, or something else, all of these topics deserve to be preached regularly because they appear in the Bible regularly.
The problem is that sometimes, we see these ideas where they don’t exist. I once sat under a pastor who cared about social justice. I would have expected him to find social justice in some passages that I might miss it, but he found social justice in every passage. For 2 years, and preaching through a half dozen books of the Bible, every sermon was about social justice. That’s no good. A congregation can’t grow without a well rounded diet.
Worse, perhaps, is the pastor who is consumed with denouncing something in society. While it’s true that in America, we put too much emphasis on consumerism, we spend too much time focused on sports, we watch too many trashy tv shows, and pop music teaches all kinds of idolatry – if we talk about these thing every week, our audience will never hear us. They’ll learn to tune out these messages, saying “Here he goes again…”, and they won’t hear any other messages because they’re not being preached.
So go ahead and mention that hobby horse or pet peeve when the passage merits it, but when you have to shove it into the passage or your sermon, you’re better off leaving it alone.
7. DON’T forget to use illustrations – John Witherspoon, the puritan preacher and Princeton president once had a woman guest at his house. She was noticing his garden and commented that there were no flowers in it. He famously responded, “No madam, you’ll find no flowers in my garden, nor in my discourses.” In other words, he despised illustrations.
That attitude may have worked before the Revolutionary War when they still printed the pastor’s sermons in Monday’s newspaper, but for a listening audience, the absence of illustrations isn’t just boring, it’s actually confusing. Most people remember stories better than they remember random facts. They connect with stories. The fact is, it’s easier to relate to a story than to a theological outline.
It might be tempting (in light of #5) to cut out the illustrations. They take up time without furthering your train of thought. It’s unwise to cut them out completely, however. The stories and maxims are what makes sermons memorable, so they’re worth the time they take.
8. But DON’T use too many illustrations – I once heard a guest preacher who got up to the pulpit and proceeded to read email forwards for 25 minutes, and then concluded by saying, “As Christians, we should have a good sense of humor.” Needless to say, it wasn’t the most powerful sermon I ever heard.
While few pastors would take it to that extreme, I’ve heard many sermons that are full of illustrations and short on text. This is the exact opposite problem as the last one. We aren’t called to preach illustrations, and we’re not hired as stand-up comics. Illustrations serve a purpose when they’re illustrating a biblical point, but on their own, they don’t really mean anything or carry any weight.
So yes, use illustrations, but don’t ever let illustrations become the centerpiece of the sermon.
9. DON’T come to the pulpit unprepared – Sound familiar? The first item in this list talked about being unprepared because you shortcut your sermon prep mentally, but there’s another great danger – perhaps the greatest danger in preaching – and that’s being unprepared spiritually.
By the time you’ve spent a week wrestling with a text, researching its finer points, determining an outline and considering how to best present it, a pastor usually knows his topic inside and out. But if we only wrestle with how to present the text, we’ve missed the greatest joy of the job.
As pastors, it’s our profession to study God’s word, and let that word affect our spiritual lives throughout the week. If we’re preaching on pride, but we don’t examine our own hearts for pride, our sermons will ring hollow. If we’re preaching on priorities, but we haven’t been convicted ourselves, then it’s unlikely our sermons will convict anyone else. And no matter the topic, if we haven’t bathed our sermons in prayer, and if we’re not relying on the Holy Spirit to speak to our people, our efforts are in vain. Being a pastor doesn’t mean that you’re perfect, but it does mean that you pay more attention to the weekly sermon than any other parishioner. Make that intentional attention count in your own life as well as your words.
Body language is one of the most powerful tools we have as pastors, counselors, and leaders, yet outside of the pulpit it’s often overlooked. There’s a good reason for this: typically, body language comes naturally. Oratorical body language may require some work, but interactive body language is a skill we’ve been cultivating since we were children.
That doesn’t mean, however, that we all do it well. Whether it’s nervous ticks, distracted thoughts, or sometimes the fact that we’d rather be doing something else, often our body language can make people uncomfortable and cause them to clam up, be distracted themselves, or otherwise fail to engage with you).
Since we work with people, and we’re often in the business of asking to share deeper (spiritual) parts of themselves, we should be using body language to make them comfortable and encourage openness .
1) Greet them with physical touch. Handshakes and hugs are part of our culture, and for good reason. We are physical beings, and when we come into contact with another body, it creates connection. Now obviously, you need to use caution to respect their space and not make them feel uncomfortable. (I remember one parishioner backing up, holding up his hands, and saying “I don’t hug!” after he saw me hugging a few other people. I would have never hugged him – he didn’t have the ‘hugging’ vibe, but I was new and he wanted to make sure I knew my boundaries). That said, handshakes, pats on shoulders, touching their arm as you guide them to a seat are all usually appropriate and create connection.
2) Position your body facing them. When we are interested in someone or something, we naturally face them as fully as possible. On the other hand, when we are only casually listening, our bodies will face away. Try it at home with your spouse (or a friend if you’re single). Talk to them while you’re watching TV or playing a video game. Then talk to them after you turn your body toward them. See which one engages them more. In the same way, when we face someone we’re listening to, they will recognize that you are engaged in what they’re saying.
3) Mirroring their posture. This one is so common that we don’t even notice it, but when done intentionally, it can create a real feeling of connection. If a person is leaning back in their chair, lean back. If a person is crossing their legs, cross your legs. If a person puts both feet on the floor and leans in, follow their lead. It will feel like the two of you are in sync. Once you’ve established that connection, you can even lead the posturing. If they are closed up and defensive, you can use mirroring to open them up (see #4). Once, when I was intentionally mirroring, I noticed my shoe was untied. When I went to tie it, the person I was talking to leaned over and slapped their ankle for no reason. Mirroring is a powerful tool.
4) Open your hands and arms. If you want to know when someone is feeling defensive, watch their limbs. They will cross their arms in front of them. Or they will clasp their hands between them and you. A lot of times, we may make these motions without even realize it (usually when someone comes in with one small criticism, but also because we don’t know what else to do with our hands and arms). But if you want people to feel like you’re open to what they have to say and you’re listening, make sure that your arms are open.
5) Make eye contact. Eye contact shows interest. If you want to try an experiment, next time you’re talking to someone, look everywhere but their face. Look at the items on your desk. Look at the clock behind them. Better yet, look at those things and make quizzical faces. They’ll stop talking before they can finish their first sentence. You’re obviously distracted. Then talk to them looking at their face. You’ll find they’re a lot more chatty. (Of course, it can be creepy to stare into someone’s eyes without blinking. In the US, the polite movement is to look at their eyes while you’re talking and then look down to their mouths when they talk, but in other countries, the reverse is true.
6) Smile and nod. Both smiling and nodding are affirmative movements. It sends the message that you’re agreeing with what they’re saying (or at least understanding what they’re saying). You don’t want to be a bobble-head doll, but make sure you’re giving affirmative feedback when they’re explaining their situation, opinion, or conclusions.
7) Tilt your head to the side. There are moments in every story where suspense is built up. “You’ll never guess what happened next…”, “Then he said something really important…”, “I have something to talk to you about…”, “I’ve been thinking about something…” At those times, it’s appropriate to turn your head to the side slightly. It conveys curiosity and interest, and will let them know that you can’t wait to hear what they can’t wait to tell you.
8) Raise your eyebrows. Other times, the speaker will surprise you with new information. Quickly raising your eyebrows (and tilting your head slightly back) lets them know that they’ve succeeded, they’ve blown you away with the information. Making eye contact and raising your eyebrows for a prolonged moment tells them that you know exactly what they’re implying without them having to say it.
9) Ignore distractions. The most powerful way, however, to let them know that you’re really listening is to learn to ignore distractions. When some noise comes from another room or your phone beeps, if you can resist the urge to go running (or even look), people will know that you value the conversation more than anything else. When people know that you value what they’re saying, they are much more likely to have the confidence to trust you and share.
10) Talk with your hands. Some people can’t stop talking with their hands, others never move their hands, but the happy ground in the middle. After you have listened and it’s time for you to respond, if you make cohesive hand movements, it shows that you’re excited about what you’re saying (and that you’re excited about what you’ve heard).
Usually these are things to avoid, but every once in a while someone is talking just to kill time, and it’s good to know how to nonchalantly end a conversation. But be careful, all of these are pretty rude.
1) Give of boredom cues. Fidgeting – When you fidget with your pen, it means you find the clicking more interesting than what they’re saying. When you fidget with your keys, it tells them you’re getting ready to dart off. Yawning – You can say it’s the end of the long day or that your brain just needs oxygen, but if you yawn while you’re listening, you’re telling them that they’re putting you to sleep. Looking around – Look to your desk if you want them to think that you’d much rather be reading the church bulletin. Look past them if you want them to know that you’d rather be talking to the wall. And if you look to the door hard enough, they’ll know you’re looking for an opportunity to escape.
2) Put a barrier between you. A lot of conversations will happen over a desk or over a table. Those are pretty common, so they’re fairly innocuous. But if you want to really make them feel blocked out, start lining up pens between the two of you, or set your glass directly in front of you, or start building a fort out of your books. They’ll be out of your office in no time.
3) Tidy up. If you’ve ever been at a restaurant at closing, you’re familiar with this cue. First they’ll wipe down tables. Then they’ll start refilling the condiments. If you’re still there when they pull out the vacuum or the mop, just know that they hate you right now. In the same way, if you start piling your papers together, or putting your pen away, or re-arranging your stapler and tape, people will assume that it’s time for us all to go home. If you’re really desperate, start turning off the lights. As you sit in the dark listening to them, sooner or later, it will become really uncomfortable.
I have to admit that I’m a language nerd. I love learning languages so much that I learned Greek 3 times (once in Bible College, a few years later when I started seminary part-time, and a few years after that when I transferred to seminary full-time).
Like I said, I love learning languages. It comes easy to me. Retaining them is another story, however. I never got so bad that I couldn’t use tools like Strong’s, or so bad that I couldn’t remember the difference between a nominative and a dative. But I easily got so bad that I couldn’t read the originals. Rust, it’s everywhere.
If you don’t use it, you lose it, and certainly before I was in ministry, it was acceptable not to use it. What surprised me is that even in ministry, I don’t use Biblical languages as much as I thought I would. The week is busy, sermons take enough time without translating my own text, and commentaries usually hit all the salient points. So I got rusty.
That is, until I found Daily Dose of Greek and Daily Dose of Hebrew. These have been a godsend. Just subscribe to their emails, and in only 4 minutes a day, you’ll get a refresher in each language. Rust be gone.
I’m still not where I was in seminary (I have responsibilities now), but I’m better than I’ve ever been since.